Thoughts about my jealousy

Admittedly seem to deal with a lot more jealousy than either of my partners. At times this has bothered me. Not that i have a lot or its a big problem or anything, they are both just pretty laid back guys.
Because they are both introverts they may work through a lot of their issues internally and never talk about it once they have worked it though on their own. I, on the other hand, being an extrovert need to talk about things even if i have already sorted through it internally. So that may just makes it seem like i deal with more jealousy issues.
A lot of my 'jealousy' is because i do not like being alone and i am an attention whore lol, i really am. It's not really jealousy i just don't like 'my time' being taken away by other things (it doesn't matter if there is another person involved or not). If something comes up where my partner will not be available to spend time with me i generally try to make other plans so i am not left alone. Again this contrasts my introvert partners who very much need alone time anyway so don't tend to have these same issues.
I may still be more jealous than my partners, but i think the introvert/extrovert differences make it seem worse than it really is.
These realizations kinda put things in perspective for me and have made me feel a little better about my 'jealousy issues'.

Becoming Me

There has been a shift in me over the past few year something I struggle to explain or ever understand. Recently I have come to realize when I look back just a few years ago I wasn't me. I was a construct of my culture, family, religion and experiences. I lived, felt, thought and experienced the world through a filter but not as me.
The thought I have had rolling around in me is "I wasn't, then I was." The feeling is so strong that it almost feels like I wasn't even a true person yet. But the thing is there was no dynamic explosion or anything that led to me becoming me. It was gradual almost like the shell that had encased me, the construct that had been made by that outside myself, has crumbled and fallen away one piece at a time. Parts of that shell are still there and I am still working to break them away, but at least now I am aware of them.
Now I am me, not yet a fully realized Me, but on my way. I now live, feel, think and experience the world as me not as a socially constructed robot.

Humans and Forgiveness

*Forgive me in advance if this seems a bit disjointed... It probably is*

I believe there is *some* good in all humans. Even in the most vile of people some good can be gleamed.
I also believe most of us do the best we can, most of the time, with what we have. No one is perfect of course; we are ALL broken in our own ways. Some more so than others and all in their own unique way.
That brokenness most often is what leads us to do the bad, wrong or hurtful (to ourselves and others) things we do. Let me be clear, this is in no way a justification for bad behavior. This is my understanding of how we humans work.
The goal is to get better over time. To become more self aware of our patterns and where those things stem from. To stop the bad patterns and build new healthy ones. To own our shit and to stop blaming others brokenness for our bad behavior. To learn for our mistakes and grow.
Dysfunction comes when we are unwilling to break patterns and continue to blame others for our choices.

For me, forgiveness comes easier when I keep these things in mind.

We are all human. We are all broken. We are all just trying to find our way. We all deserve some forgiveness.

Shared Dream

Earlier this week I had a shared dream with my friend M. After comparing notes it seems that it wasn't the exact same dream but the 'reality' was the same. I have never had an experience like this before, I find it very interesting. 

What I remember:

In it I was stopping by to visit M. The place she was living was kind of in the foothills. The property was a little old ranch that she was buying along with her Sir (in real life a relativity new and secondary relationship. M is poly like me.) from a really old man who was apparently also part of the kink community. The old man was on the property and I saw him but not M or her Sir. I was on the phone with M and she was asking me to get something for her. It looked like they were in the process of moving in. There were old animal pins on the property also but no animals in them. There were 2 separate houses on the property. I don't remember exactly but it seems like one was on older house and a newer on or a house and a trailer home. Not sure, but one was nicer than the other it seems.

What she remembers:

She had 2 dreams in this 'reality'; one the night before mine and the second the same night as mine. She remembers the property very similarly but only remembers one house. I will quote her directly from our conversation about it. "It started with us standing on the porch talking to the old guy. He was wearing a blue shirt, and I was in a black and red sundress. I remember knowing you were there, but not sure how. The animal pens were going to be removed for a swingset and sand box." She remembers that they were moving in and planning changes. "Day one was the porch, talking to the old man, sketching changes. Day two was tearing up animal pens, working in a garden, and swimming in a lake."

I wonder where these dreams came from and why they were shared. Could it be a kind of premonitory dream; a possible future. Or is this a desire she holds that I some how tuned into. Or something all together different that I haven't considered yet. Interesting.

More Healing Work - Quick Note

I did another sound healing session on my Mate today. He wasn't having any specific physical pain complaints this time. I had the feeling that I should be working in His solar plexus. I asked Him if there was an area He would like me to work in and He told me to focus on His solar plexus (without me communicating the feeling I had.)
During this healing I learned that an open 'E' sound works better for cleansing or removing negative energy and and 'O' sound works better for drawing in positive or healing energy.
At one point I moved up and was focusing on an higher part of the body were it would normally be a higher tone. But because the intent was focused very directly on an aspect of His energy the tone ended up being lower because it was on His "wavelength" (for at lack of a better term at this time) which are lower than are natural for me. I can't fully work within His tone range for a full healing, though that would probably be preferable.

The results were a better mood for us both (we were both kinda grumpy pants today). He reports feeling more centered and "in the moment" as well as clearing of the sinuses and soothing of a scratchy throat. His self esteem has been much higher since also, he just reported. Pretty good results given there were at least 3 interruptions from my 5yo lol.

*Edit to add* At the end of the healing I was given (from where I do not know for sure, I suspect His soul) the phrase "Find your beauty, to find your strength" to give to Him. I did not analyze or question it, I just said it loud and clear. He later told me the first thing that came to His mind was The Tree of Life. I am only vaguely familiar with The Tree of Life because of my work with the MM. He explained to me that going up The Tree of Life, Beauty comes before Strength. This spoke the Him and He had a couple realizations and worked through some things which I will not share details about here. Even better results that I first thought!

Learning to heal?

Healing is something I know I have the capacity to do. Over the past year I have done some healing work on my Mate. This healing is really very intimate and sexually based. I'm able to read Him and the healings so far have been effective. I am happy to be able to help Him. But have felt sightly disappointed that this was not a type of healing I could not readily share with others. Though I feel I could heal others in a similar way, I would not feel comfortable doing this type of healing on someone unless I was already intimate with them.

In March I revived some healing work from Robert for some chronic physical pain I had, then also some emotional pain. Later in March he also taught me the Manifestation Meditation (MM). Since then I have been using what I leaned from Robert to heal myself, with amazing results on the emotional end. 

There have been fairly good results on the physical end as well but I have still at times been struggling with physical pain. This week I have have been trying to manage some mid-back pain. Wednesday of this week the pain was so bad I was on the verge or crying and getting sick. I took some time to meditate and stretch; I through in a bit of sound resonating with good results. Low tones took that pain to a duel rowr and I was able to make it through the rest of my day. The next day my back was still bothering me so tried more sound resonating. I just so happened to learn basic Tibetan overtone singing (similar to but not exactly the same as throat singing) during my four years in high school choir. This time I used these techniques and for an longer period of time (45min or so). I used low tones at the very bottom of my vocal range. This time I ended up with amazing results; the pain was not just managed but gone! This is by far my most successful physical self-healing to date. 

Today I had the opportunity to try this healing out on my Mate who has been having some neck pain. I used massage as well (which i had already tried by itself with little results) Again Very good results! His neck feels much better and He and over all felt very good after. When we spoke afterwards He expressed that He was impressed by the tones and the results. I also felt quite good after. I feel that this technique was more directly effective on physical pain than what I have done in the past with Him that focused more on the emotional aspects. 

I am excited that I may be learning to heal in a way the I can help heal more people with as well! Though I do not feel I am ready for that just yet. 

Self love and Wholeness

I believe there are places within us that are made to be filled with love. One of these places is made to receive Self-love. The other is made to receive love from others, be that of family, friends or lovers. For a very long time I tried to fill both of these spaces with others love. I did have some self love but it was small and didn't quite fill that space that it needed to fill. So I tried to fill the rest of that space with others love. The problem is, that space can only truly be filled with the love made to fill it. Others love would fill that space, but only temporarily. As soon as I was alone again, it was gone. Leaving that space empty once again. This cycle was also diminishing what self-love I did have because I was neglecting it in favor of seeking others love.
Now that I have found full self-love, I have a feeling of wholeness. Both spaces are filled with the love they were made for. I no longer need to seek constant input from others. I no longer fear being alone. I no longer feel that emptiness. I have become much less needy and much more independent.
These changes are also having a positive effect on those around me. My Mate first of all, has seen the changes. My diminished neediness impacts Him most of all. He feels more at ease with me as I feel more at ease with myself. He even claims I am getting prettier lol. There has been a very positive impact on our relationship. A friend of mine recently commented on the change in my vibe. He says that he can't really put his finger on what has change but that he feels more affectionate towards me. We have had a historically close but not very physically affectionate friendship, so this is a change I noticed right away. I believe his new reaction to me has to do with me no longer needing so much attention/love from other so there is no longer an energy draw on my part. This makes him feel more free to express love because there will be no drain on him if he opens up to me.
The new wholeness I feel is such a wonderful feeling.

No more hiding

Yoga (and generally taking better of myself) is part of my self-love plan. Tonight wile doing yoga near the end I started focusing on self-love. I started by just enjoying the feelings in my body and knowing I did something good for myself. I enjoyed the sparkly feelings in my muscles and the lights and colors I saw with my eyes closed. Then I found myself at the opening of the “cave” of my “scared little girl”. I walk right in and brought with me the lights and colors (pink and orange which she really like) and the little sparkly feelings from all over my body. I brought them to her and let her feel and see and play. I held her and loved her. Slowly I drew her out of the cave. Brought her out into the light. I loved her more and let her lay in the light next to me. Now we painted with the colors and sparkles. I spoke to her about how wonderful we are, how beautiful and worthy. I told her it was ok to be little, but she didn’t need to hide or be scared anymore. I began to talk about how other people love us to and they where there to help and she ran. She went right for that old familiar hole and without even a thought, I crushed the cave *THOOMP*. I literally felt the shock wave role over my arms. All that remained was a small mound where it once one. I sat her right on top of the mound. I explained it is my job to take care of her even if the world is scary; sometimes people will hurt us but I will do my best to never let that be more than we can handle. She tried to open the hole back up but I kept it closed tight. I held her tight. No more hiding.

Cuddles are my drug.

I have set out on a journey to learn to love myself. This is a need I have been aware of for some time. I have made strides in the right direction so far, but I haven't quite been able to make it there yet. I struggle regularly with finding self-love; which I have come to understand has resulted from a lack of self-forgiveness. I am hard on myself, much harder than I am on others. I need to get myself to a point that my love and forgiveness of myself can flow as freely as my love and forgiveness of others does.
Because self-love had been hard for me to find I seek to replace the love I lack from myself, from others. More specifically through physical affection. Giving and receiving love this way is easy for me, it's primal. I realized last night that seeking that physical affection has been my "easy way out" my "drug" to fill that void were my self-love should be. I had the thought that it may be a good thing for me to have some physical space from my Love so I can practice not trying to fill that hole with my drug of choice, as well as practice receiving love from Him in other ways (another goal of mine). This was my intent and I was going to cancel my regular Tuesday night cuddle fest with my Love. Instead today what did I do? I invited Him over earlier than the normal time. But apparently the universe had listened last night and wasn't going to let me back out. Turns out, my Love canceled on me instead. My first reaction was disappointment, but after realizing that the universe was taking care of what I wouldn't, I had to laugh.
I am using this time to work on self-care as part of "self-love plan".