I have set out on a journey to learn to love myself. This is a need I have been aware of for some time. I have made strides in the right direction so far, but I haven't quite been able to make it there yet. I struggle regularly with finding self-love; which I have come to understand has resulted from a lack of self-forgiveness. I am hard on myself, much harder than I am on others. I need to get myself to a point that my love and forgiveness of myself can flow as freely as my love and forgiveness of others does.
Because self-love had been hard for me to find I seek to replace the love I lack from myself, from others. More specifically through physical affection. Giving and receiving love this way is easy for me, it's primal. I realized last night that seeking that physical affection has been my "easy way out" my "drug" to fill that void were my self-love should be. I had the thought that it may be a good thing for me to have some physical space from my Love so I can practice not trying to fill that hole with my drug of choice, as well as practice receiving love from Him in other ways (another goal of mine). This was my intent and I was going to cancel my regular Tuesday night cuddle fest with my Love. Instead today what did I do? I invited Him over earlier than the normal time. But apparently the universe had listened last night and wasn't going to let me back out. Turns out, my Love canceled on me instead. My first reaction was disappointment, but after realizing that the universe was taking care of what I wouldn't, I had to laugh.
I am using this time to work on self-care as part of "self-love plan".
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