How do i find the one(s)??: more unsolicited advice from mandy to the interwebs

I hear/see things like this from people of all walks of life "Why cant i find that special person(s)?? I would be happy if only i could find that! MUST. FIND.TWUE. LOVE..." Ya know, that kind of crap.
My advice is.... Chill the fuck out.
It's totally cool to want that special someone(s), but don't worry about it... don't fixate on it. When's the last time you heard someone say "I was freakin the fuck out about needing to find someone(s) to fulfill me and POOF there they were!" IDK about you, but i have NEVER heard anything like that. But i sure have heard a bunch of "I wasn't looking for it but then POOF there it was!" or "Once i stopped worrying about it POOF there it was" stories.
I have no idea why it works like that. Depending on your philosophy... maybe it's because you were focused too much on what you didn't have, you missed opportunities for something great just because you couldn't see it. Or maybe your god(s) needed you to trust in the divine plan. Or maybe the universe was telling you you needed to be happy with what you have before it will bless you with more. Take your pick of one of these possibilities, or make up some other shit.... none of us really know why it seems to work like that but it seems to.
I'm not saying give up, or stop working for it. You should be active in finding what you want. Put yourself out there keep yourself open to possibilities... Just don't fixate and fret over it. Try to take an attitude of "I really want this and i will find it someday... until then i am going to be thankful from what i have and work on making myself a better me so i can be even better for that special someone(s) someday." (or similar such bullshit that suites you).
I give similar advice about test taking. Yeah study, do what you need to prepare yourself the best you can... but don't worry about it. Chill the fuck out and it will all come much easier. I started a study group for one of my college courses, a group would meet right before class. We ended up doing little studying but a lot of laughing and bullshitting together. Guess what happened... my classmate that came and enjoyed themselves and chilled the fuck out before class started scoring higher on tests!
The lesson for today is what, kids??...
CHILL THE FUCK OUT! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY runs in circles flailing
But hey... what the fuck do i know i have never been single a day of my adult life.

They're all bi.... i get it now!

I have come to the conclusion that all the idiots that say being gay is a choice are bisexual.... or maybe gay... but more likely bi. Here's why...
Once upon a time when i was a good-little-christian-bigot (true story it happened... i'm sorry... may the gods forgive me) i wholeheartedly bought into the idea one could choose their sexuality. Why? Because it made absolute sense to a little bi girl! I made the choice (at the time) to be straight. i could be with girls but that was a "sin" and so i chose to only be with boys (ignore all the premarital sex stuff... it's not a sin if it's straight right??). It stands to reason that the people who really buy into this could have made the choice also. I think a truly straight person couldn't really by into the idea that was a choice.
So yeah... Bisexuals. The whole lot of 'em!
states opinion as fact, gives the finger then walks away

The universe has been good to me

My heart is full of love and gratefulness. It seem as if the universe said to me,
"You are only going to have one child. So here is the most beautiful charming amazing little girl I could make.
Your husband left you. So here is a better Man for you, who will help you grow to your full potential and love you unconditionally... you know what... while I am at it, here's another!
You went for years without having friends or being social because you gave everything you were to a person who didn't cherish you. So here is an amazing community and group of friends who will love and accept you just the way you are."
I could go on in all the ways i have been blessed but those things right there... that makes any challenges i might face fade way. Health issue, struggles with money, anxiety, judgment from the world for being different... none of it matter because i have been so greatly blessed. And in the times i start to let the crap get to me, i always have one or any number to people there to support me. I have been blessed to have so many beautiful souls come into my life.
Fuck car and houses and all that material bullshit... I am a rich woman!
I just hope i can give back, even just some, of the richness that i have been blessed with.

Thoughts about my jealousy

Admittedly seem to deal with a lot more jealousy than either of my partners. At times this has bothered me. Not that i have a lot or its a big problem or anything, they are both just pretty laid back guys.
Because they are both introverts they may work through a lot of their issues internally and never talk about it once they have worked it though on their own. I, on the other hand, being an extrovert need to talk about things even if i have already sorted through it internally. So that may just makes it seem like i deal with more jealousy issues.
A lot of my 'jealousy' is because i do not like being alone and i am an attention whore lol, i really am. It's not really jealousy i just don't like 'my time' being taken away by other things (it doesn't matter if there is another person involved or not). If something comes up where my partner will not be available to spend time with me i generally try to make other plans so i am not left alone. Again this contrasts my introvert partners who very much need alone time anyway so don't tend to have these same issues.
I may still be more jealous than my partners, but i think the introvert/extrovert differences make it seem worse than it really is.
These realizations kinda put things in perspective for me and have made me feel a little better about my 'jealousy issues'.

Becoming Me

There has been a shift in me over the past few year something I struggle to explain or ever understand. Recently I have come to realize when I look back just a few years ago I wasn't me. I was a construct of my culture, family, religion and experiences. I lived, felt, thought and experienced the world through a filter but not as me.
The thought I have had rolling around in me is "I wasn't, then I was." The feeling is so strong that it almost feels like I wasn't even a true person yet. But the thing is there was no dynamic explosion or anything that led to me becoming me. It was gradual almost like the shell that had encased me, the construct that had been made by that outside myself, has crumbled and fallen away one piece at a time. Parts of that shell are still there and I am still working to break them away, but at least now I am aware of them.
Now I am me, not yet a fully realized Me, but on my way. I now live, feel, think and experience the world as me not as a socially constructed robot.

Humans and Forgiveness

*Forgive me in advance if this seems a bit disjointed... It probably is*

I believe there is *some* good in all humans. Even in the most vile of people some good can be gleamed.
I also believe most of us do the best we can, most of the time, with what we have. No one is perfect of course; we are ALL broken in our own ways. Some more so than others and all in their own unique way.
That brokenness most often is what leads us to do the bad, wrong or hurtful (to ourselves and others) things we do. Let me be clear, this is in no way a justification for bad behavior. This is my understanding of how we humans work.
The goal is to get better over time. To become more self aware of our patterns and where those things stem from. To stop the bad patterns and build new healthy ones. To own our shit and to stop blaming others brokenness for our bad behavior. To learn for our mistakes and grow.
Dysfunction comes when we are unwilling to break patterns and continue to blame others for our choices.

For me, forgiveness comes easier when I keep these things in mind.

We are all human. We are all broken. We are all just trying to find our way. We all deserve some forgiveness.

Shared Dream

Earlier this week I had a shared dream with my friend M. After comparing notes it seems that it wasn't the exact same dream but the 'reality' was the same. I have never had an experience like this before, I find it very interesting. 

What I remember:

In it I was stopping by to visit M. The place she was living was kind of in the foothills. The property was a little old ranch that she was buying along with her Sir (in real life a relativity new and secondary relationship. M is poly like me.) from a really old man who was apparently also part of the kink community. The old man was on the property and I saw him but not M or her Sir. I was on the phone with M and she was asking me to get something for her. It looked like they were in the process of moving in. There were old animal pins on the property also but no animals in them. There were 2 separate houses on the property. I don't remember exactly but it seems like one was on older house and a newer on or a house and a trailer home. Not sure, but one was nicer than the other it seems.

What she remembers:

She had 2 dreams in this 'reality'; one the night before mine and the second the same night as mine. She remembers the property very similarly but only remembers one house. I will quote her directly from our conversation about it. "It started with us standing on the porch talking to the old guy. He was wearing a blue shirt, and I was in a black and red sundress. I remember knowing you were there, but not sure how. The animal pens were going to be removed for a swingset and sand box." She remembers that they were moving in and planning changes. "Day one was the porch, talking to the old man, sketching changes. Day two was tearing up animal pens, working in a garden, and swimming in a lake."

I wonder where these dreams came from and why they were shared. Could it be a kind of premonitory dream; a possible future. Or is this a desire she holds that I some how tuned into. Or something all together different that I haven't considered yet. Interesting.