No more hiding

Yoga (and generally taking better of myself) is part of my self-love plan. Tonight wile doing yoga near the end I started focusing on self-love. I started by just enjoying the feelings in my body and knowing I did something good for myself. I enjoyed the sparkly feelings in my muscles and the lights and colors I saw with my eyes closed. Then I found myself at the opening of the “cave” of my “scared little girl”. I walk right in and brought with me the lights and colors (pink and orange which she really like) and the little sparkly feelings from all over my body. I brought them to her and let her feel and see and play. I held her and loved her. Slowly I drew her out of the cave. Brought her out into the light. I loved her more and let her lay in the light next to me. Now we painted with the colors and sparkles. I spoke to her about how wonderful we are, how beautiful and worthy. I told her it was ok to be little, but she didn’t need to hide or be scared anymore. I began to talk about how other people love us to and they where there to help and she ran. She went right for that old familiar hole and without even a thought, I crushed the cave *THOOMP*. I literally felt the shock wave role over my arms. All that remained was a small mound where it once one. I sat her right on top of the mound. I explained it is my job to take care of her even if the world is scary; sometimes people will hurt us but I will do my best to never let that be more than we can handle. She tried to open the hole back up but I kept it closed tight. I held her tight. No more hiding.

Cuddles are my drug.

I have set out on a journey to learn to love myself. This is a need I have been aware of for some time. I have made strides in the right direction so far, but I haven't quite been able to make it there yet. I struggle regularly with finding self-love; which I have come to understand has resulted from a lack of self-forgiveness. I am hard on myself, much harder than I am on others. I need to get myself to a point that my love and forgiveness of myself can flow as freely as my love and forgiveness of others does.
Because self-love had been hard for me to find I seek to replace the love I lack from myself, from others. More specifically through physical affection. Giving and receiving love this way is easy for me, it's primal. I realized last night that seeking that physical affection has been my "easy way out" my "drug" to fill that void were my self-love should be. I had the thought that it may be a good thing for me to have some physical space from my Love so I can practice not trying to fill that hole with my drug of choice, as well as practice receiving love from Him in other ways (another goal of mine). This was my intent and I was going to cancel my regular Tuesday night cuddle fest with my Love. Instead today what did I do? I invited Him over earlier than the normal time. But apparently the universe had listened last night and wasn't going to let me back out. Turns out, my Love canceled on me instead. My first reaction was disappointment, but after realizing that the universe was taking care of what I wouldn't, I had to laugh.
I am using this time to work on self-care as part of "self-love plan".